Jesus' Fear-Fighting

I was reading in Matthew 10 this week when I was struck anew by the second half of the chapter.  Starting in verse 16, Jesus is preparing his disciples for the unpleasant reception they will receive when they go out in His name.  They were going to be hated, flogged, persecuted, handed over to the government, betrayed by family--some seriously scary stuff.

He prepared them, armed with knowledge.  Then He comforted them with truth.  The hairs on their head were numbered.  His eye is on the sparrow, so you know He is watching you and great is your reward when you are persecuted for the sake of our Lord.  They would truly find their lives when they were willing to lose them.  And He was backing them up...with all the power and authority that came with that.

I can just imagine the disciples' eyes getting wider and wider as Jesus laid all the scary reality out for them.  Sort of like A's eyes got wider and wider as I talked about fire escape plans.  I imagine a few of them lost some sleep to fear of the possibilities, just like she has.  I imagine they all had to repeat the truth to themselves more than a few times.

Thanks, God, for sharing this with me.  Just a little reassurance that it's okay to prepare my kids for reality, scary as it may be.  And thanks for reminding me that you give us truth as the best weapon against fear.

Second Generation Fear-Fighters

Okay, so just a few more thoughts on fear because we have had a big dose of it around here this week.

I know it is my responsibility as a parent to prepare my kiddos for the real world where scary things sometimes happen.  I have procrastinated in a bad way on some basic safety stuff because I don't want to introduce the very kinds of fear that I sometimes struggle with.  Can't I keep it all sunshine and roses for them?

I finally bit the bullet and covered fire safety during school last week.  We got cartoonish books from the library, I downloaded fun activity pages from the internet, we went to the fire station for a tour and cheesy photo ops, we made a race out of practicing our escape plan from the house.

My all-too-grown-up firstborn wasn't haven't it.  She knew good and well that fire is scary, painful business and she made it known that talking about scary stuff was not fun and games and she didn't want any part of it.  We had an uphill battle (that we're still fighting) to convince her that preparation is a good tool for fighting fear.  Knowledge may be power, but it was not very comforting to her.

By mid-week, I had the opportunity to hand down my fear-fighting tools (see what I did there? fire-fighting, fear-fighting...never mind).  As she cowered in her bed, unable to sleep, I told her about how we use truth to fight fear, putting it on like a shield and sword.  I spoke God's truth over her and gave her the tools I've used so often...talking to God about the fear, being the boss of our thoughts and making them obey the truth, singing true songs, and praying for others to take the focus off ourselves.

I picked up a new tool at the ladies' retreat I went to last weekend.  The speaker told us not to ask "What if...?" but "What would a good God do if....?"  I decided to lay this tool on the table for A.  We went there out loud because I knew her little female mind had already gone to the worst case scenario (though her worst case scenario was much easier to talk about out loud than mine).  What would our good God do if all your stuffed animals burned in a fire?  What would our good God do if our house was ruined?  What would our good God do if we got hurt trying to go out the window?  He would provide above and beyond what we could ask or imagine and let us tell the story.  Maybe that story would help someone else love God.

I don't want to pass on fear to my kids.  I'm praying hard about how to tell them what they need to know without filling their hearts with fear.  But I'm so grateful now for my own fear struggle and the tools of truth I have been given.  I wish they didn't need them, but I'm glad I can pass them down to my daughters especially, for this seems to be a battle uniquely faced by women.  I pray my girls will wield their weapons with growing trust in their power.  Together we are mighty Princess Warriors of Truth and the lies of fear will not hold us! (cue patriotic musical crescendo)

Thanks, Friends

You guys are so encouraging!  I have received several emails about my last post on battling fear.  Let me just assure you that these fears are not crippling, nor do they consume more than a smidge of my brain activity.  And as usual, just talking about it helps so much.  I knew I wasn't the only one who struggled with living free of fear.  Here are some comments you've shared...

"I share your fears.  They can be consuming.  Praying with you about letting go."

"Memorizing HIS word and repeating it as I feel the fear trying to crawl in, helps me to hold on to HIM and experience HIS peace. "

"Do I trust God to provide if we can't?  Do I trust God to bring beauty from the ashes of the death of a loved one or an unspeakable tragedy?  Yes.  It will be hard to go through, but God has proven He is big and trustworthy.  Should I be cautious, yeah, that's being wise.  Should I fear that someone might shoot my child on the sidewalk?  I'd hate that profoundly, but I have to trust God and let him protect my children or take them home."

"1John 4:18-- There is no fear in love but perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears punishment has not been perfected in love. "

Thanks for letting me think out loud about this.  And thanks for being so encouraging!  I am blessed more than I could ask or imagine with an amazing community of friends and family to work out our faith alongside each other.

Fear

Ever since the shooting in Connecticut, I've had a resurgence of fear interrupting my thoughts.  Anybody else?  Something about the absolute randomness of violent crime wreaks havoc on my mommy brain.  And it seems like there's been an uptick in stories about babies dying, mamas with cancer, tragic teen accidents....?!  More of the kind of stuff you have no control over and can happen to anyone.  I'm not wishing folks would keep their hurts quiet.  I think maybe I'm just more sensitive to it right now.  I don't know.

I thought I had this whole fear thing whipped.  I even told my own dad as much just a couple of months ago.  It's been a big spiritual battle for me for as long as I can remember.  Taking those thoughts captive.  You know, the ones that start with something insignificant and take off like a runaway train for the worst case scenario that has you in tears within seconds.  "God, take those captive and make them obedient to your truth.  You are not a God of fear, but of love, peace and a sound mind.  You love me and I can trust you to be good all the time. "  Years of repeating that prayer every time the fear came and saying it until the fear passed.   I had finally gotten to the point where I didn't have to check my closets and under the beds every time my husband traveled.  Don't laugh...you know you do it too.

What happened in Connecticut was evil, and I think it was a tool of our enemy.  Not only will that town never be the same, but fear snuck into the hearts of millions, and fear confuses us about God and His love for us.

And it's not just tragedy or random violence that I think I fear.  If we got down to the nitty gritty, there's other big stuff I fear.  What if I screw up my kids?  What if I fail to say that thing that would prepare them and they get hurt? What if I'm the one who scars their heart with my words? What if I pass all my fears on to them?  What if I find my identity in my kids and forget who I am?  Am I doing all that God wants me to be doing?  Could I do more/differently to further His kingdom?  Am I letting Him down?

Then Ann Voskamp said it better, "How long will I have Mama and are we supposed to live our lives here or up and move there and how do you best pour out your one wild life and couldn’t we make room for just one more child and what if I’ve missed the boat and what if we bury children, mess them up, get sick on them and the dreams all blow away like papery ash and what if my heart gets shattered and what if that is what makes me whole and how do you make your singular life work best?"

It's always encouraging to know you're not the only one swimming in whatever mess you've made for yourself.  And then she said this, "What if not fearing was the giant secret of really living?"

Whoa.  What if not fearing was the giant secret of really living?  What if the thing that keeps me from the abundant life God promises is fear?  What if this fear battle is way bigger than what's in my closet?  Fear of losing control, fear of not measuring up, fear of failing, fear of disappointing, fear of living like God's promises are true.  What does that even look like...not fearing?!  

I don't have anything else to write on this topic--yet.  I'm trying to think of something profound to say, but I just keep re-reading the possibility of not fearing and it really leaves me quite flabbergasted.  I've got to chew on some truth and let it nourish my soul.  Let it bind up all those fears and set me free.  Please share if you have some go-to truth that shatters your fears and helps you really live.  

P.S. - So much for short posts, huh?

What I Learned This Summer

I don't ever remember having to write a report about what I learned during the summer.  Maybe that's just in the movies.  You get my first attempt.

Around late spring/early summer, I was really discouraged with my kids' behavior.  It seemed all three were pushing my buttons and boundaries.  None of them were obeying the way I thought they should and I could not be consistent enough to get the results I wanted.

I turned to the all-knowing google.  Surely someone out there has had the same problem and will have the magic trick that I can put into practice and smooth out all the bumps in this rocky road.  I know, it sounds ridiculous to me too.  But I bet I'm not the only one who's done it.

One of the first hits was this article by Sally Clarkson.  It isn't a new article, but it was new to me.  It really made me think.  And do a parenting overhaul.

Somewhere along the way, I had adopted the first-time obedience mandate as biblical.  I didn't even think about it.  I didn't subject it to scripture.  I didn't pray about it.  The authors of the parenting books I read told me God wanted my children to obey right away, all the way, with a happy heart.  And if I consistently disciplined them, they would.  If they didn't, I was doing something wrong and I was endangering their souls.  I couldn't do it.  They didn't do it.  We were all horrible at it.  No wonder I was discouraged!

So the first thing I learned this summer was that I need to be much more careful about what I allow into my mind and into my parenting toolbox.  Sally's article reminded me that God's word is the best authority on parenting and I can take all of my frustrations to the real all-knowing Source who has power to actually help with my individual problem.  I knew this in my head, but I obviously had not practiced it.  I was shocked at myself and have tried to scrutinize my parenting to see what is biblical and what is manmade.  

I have also traded in parenting books for child development books.  I was referred to this series by Louise Bates Ames by three different sources in about two weeks, so I checked them out from my library.  Very refreshing and encouraging to read about characteristic behaviors at these ages and know that the thing I am battling really is "just a phase" and will likely subside in a few months or at least be easier to address.  

Sally's article also reminded me that righteousness is a life-long journey.  Talking it over with a dear friend, I said out loud what I couldn't seem to put into practice...if I can't get it right, why in the world would I expect my kids to?  It's time to surrender my unrealistic expectation that they will be "done" when they leave my nest.  God's plan for them may be to smooth out that rough edge through their spouse, an employer, a college roommate, their own children.  His is a process of sanctification, not a moment of completeness.  Parenting really is a marathon, and I probably will not witness my children cross the finish line.  They will still be running the good race after I am long gone.  This is so encouraging to me.  What a relief!  

God pricked my soul with a recent daily scripture reading.  I came across 1 John 4:18, "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."  I'm still working out how this applies to my parenting.  But I'm very grateful that God is perfecting me in love and not fear.  

Please go read the article.  Pray about it.  Subject it to scripture.  Tell me what you think.  And tell me, what did you learn this summer?

The Thought That Started it All

I've been blogging for two years this month.  I can't believe that.  I looked back at my first post to see when it was--August 26, 2009.  How 'bout that?!

I remember the thought that drove me to blogging and I've never even blogged about it until today.  I was sitting in church behind some young ladies who had different standards of appropriate church attire than I did.  My feathers were ruffled by their immodesty on behalf of my daughters who look up to them and my husband who was stuck trying not to look at them for an hour.  But what to do about it?  I'm not looking to crack knuckles with legalistic dress codes, but I still felt like something needed to be said.  So I thought a blog post on the topic would solve the problem.  Ha!  By the time I finished typing my rant, I knew it was best to delete it.

Praise the Lord I held my tongue!  Because Stacy McDonald over at Your Sacred Calling said it so much better and with more love and grace than I ever could.  Women and men alike, for the sake of the gospel, please go read her loving charge calling us to sharpen each other as iron sharpens iron. And if you should ever see me wearing something that makes you want to cover your daughters' eyes or give your husband a blindfold, please call me on it.

Marching Orders

My husband came home a couple of months ago and introduced the idea that the business he's been working on with three of our friends might someday need to move to Austin.  "Just want you to keep that on your radar," he said.  "Maybe by next spring," he said.

I've known this man for almost 18 years.  I've learned to filter out remote possibilities and not freak out until he's really ready to pull the trigger.  Fast forward to the beginning of July when he comes home and says, "We need to move by the end of the summer."  Time to FREAK OUT!

By the end of that conversation, he had softened the blow to moving sometime this fall because his wife just kept stammering, "That is not possible.  You realize that is not humanly possible."  I may not have been the best cheerleader for my husband that night.  Sorry, babe.

It's taken me so long to write this post, that most of you know by now that we are moving and hope to be settled in our new home and office location by the beginning of October.  That's in two months! While I'm excited about going back to the area and people we left three years ago, this has definitely been an abrupt interruption of my little world.  I have frequently been reminded that "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails. (Prov 19:21)"

I had plans for kindergarten all laid out and set up in my dining room...never mind.  I had plans for a great co-op for A this fall...not to be.  I have relationships that seem like they are just starting to normalize....shake 'em up.

On the other side of this is snoball.com.  I'm super excited about the momentum this idea has!  If you haven't gone and explored the site, please take a few minutes to do that.  This thing is going to be big and you'll want to say you were there in the beginning.  The four men behind the idea are incredibly talented and smart.  They have investors chomping at the bit to get in on the action.  The only thing holding them back is their own physical limit for working....they need more manpower.  Which is the main reason for the move.  They've been unable to find local developers who are ready to hit the ground running and they can't convince any to move here.  So J will be focused on finding a new office and hiring a small army in the next few months.

In my panicked, overwhelmed-with-all-the-details moments, I ask the impertinent question, "Why, God?" He has been gracious, merciful and loving in His abundant way and provided me with an answer.  Back when I was reading this book, I prayed for an adventure.  I asked God what adventure He had for J and I to go on for His glory and our good.  And I prayed that He would show me where I fit in His eternal agenda and how I could glorify Him with what He had blessed me with.  As Bill Engvall would say,....here's yer sign.  "You asked for it, Sarah; here ya go...one adventure for the kingdom coming up.  Will you win the battles for My glory? Or will you whine and whimper in the foxholes?"

Can I just say how amazing it is to link back to so many posts over the last year that chronicle God's hand in preparing me for this?  What a mighty God we serve!

So here we go.  Back to back, tools and weapons ready, into the fray of a grand adventure.  Wherever it leads, may it strengthen our marriage, grow our children's faith and bring glory to God, the King of Kings and Lord of Hosts.

Limbo

I don't do well with limbo.  Not the game, though I'm sure I would be great entertainment if I tried to play that in my current condition.  I'm talking about the in-between times, the transition periods, when you know something else is coming but it's not time for that something yet.  Usually, you don't know how long the limbo is going to last and that makes it more difficult.  Now that I know when my current limbo is going to end, I think my sanity has returned a smidge and I have the capacity to mull these things over in my mind.  It doesn't hurt that J took the girls out of town for a cousin's birthday party the last two days.  A quiet house always helps to clear my head.

God has held me in limbo on a few occasions, and I'm sad to say that I don't think I'm getting any better at it.  Something about indefinite waiting makes me very myopic and self-focused.  I know in my head there are good strategies for shifting my perspective, but in the limbo, it's almost impossible to remember them much less implement them.  So in a brief moment of clarity, I'm going to record them here.  Somebody please remind me to read my own post the next time I'm whining about waiting.

Weapons against whining while waiting:

1. Scripture!  Post it at the kitchen sink, bathroom mirror, car dashboard.  Listen to it in music.  Read it, especially when you don't feel like it.
2. Prayer!  Be humble and vulnerable and ask other people to pray for a right perspective.
3. Overestimate the finish line - pad your expectations to buffer disappointment.  Think you'll be waiting 3 months?  Set your sights on 4.  Under-promise, over-deliver.
4. Ask for help - again with the humility
5. Shift focus - look around and see who you can help; surprise others with unexpected blessings; make yourself do something completely not about you
6. Tackle a project - I thrive on productivity, so it helps me to be getting things done
7. Just keep swimming - one foot in front of the other, grateful for the capacity to move through life, doing what needs to be done, even when you want to wallow in self-pity
8. Hide the chocolate - don't give yourself unlimited access; let your husband ration it out in appropriate portions.  Just an idea; I wouldn't know from experience or anything.

Any other strategies that work for you?  How do you survive limbo?  How do you glorify God while waiting?  Tell me now, because I know my next season of waiting is just around the corner.

Why Me?

We heard an incredible testimony last week at our home group meeting.  One of the families in our group is about to return to India to be missionaries to their own people.  We got to hear from her father, who came to salvation under miraculous circumstances.  He was a young adult before he had ever heard of a Christian, and still didn't know what that meant.  Yet God orchestrated his life as an example of Romans 1:20, "For since the creation of the world, God's invisible qualities--his eternal power and divine nature--have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse."

As he shared his journey to Christ and the persecution he has endured since becoming a believer, I could not help but wonder the difference between his soul and mine.  Why have I been born in a place and time where I have easy access to the gospel?  Why was I born into a family with an extraordinary heritage of believers?  Why me and not him?  What is my responsibility with this blessing?  What would God have me do or be because of my circumstances that predispose me to belief?

My first response is to have the mindset that I am here "for such a time as this."  That God has put me here, now for a specific purpose and I just need to be alert for that purpose.  But I also know that God doesn't need me to accomplish any of His purposes.  He will fulfill His plans with or without me.  If I miss the boat, it's just that--I miss out on knowing Him more deeply by having worked together with Him.  It's a delicate juggling act, to not allow this unknown purpose to dominate my consciousness, but to trust that He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion and not let me miss the opportunity if I am focusing on Him.

God, why do you have me here, now?  I don't believe it's random.  Tune my heart to you, that I would not miss any opportunity to make the most of the circumstances you have blessed me with.

More on Idols

No, I'm not into American Idol.  They lost me many seasons ago and may this be the final season, good riddance.  This is about the kind of idols we unknowingly create in our hearts.  I'm reading (very slowly and sporadically) Grace Based Parenting by Tim Kimmel and he caught my attention when he started talking about idols:

"When you convince your kids that things are evil rather than Satan and his corrupted world system being evil, you set them up to be easily manipulated by him.  I knew a lady who would pick up her elementary-age children from school during the last week of October just so they wouldn't have to walk by the jack-o'-lanterns that people put out in front of their houses.  She said she was frightened of what could happen to her children, but all she did was transfer her fear of jack-o'-lanterns to her children as well....By taking something inanimate and giving it animate evil power, she had just showed her kids how to create an idol.  Their fear of the jack-o'-lanterns was giving a dead carved vegetable a power it didn't have....

It is idolatry to affix evil power to things or actions that are just things and actions (hairstyles, rock concerts, clothing, dancing, dating, etc.).  What determines evil is how Satan is using the thing or the action in the individual's life.  What determines goodness is how God is working through the thing or the action in the individual's life.  What determines who is doing what is the individual (you, me, or the child) in the equation." 

I have to keep reading that last paragraph over and over to make sense of it, and I'm not sure what to do with it for the brief instant that the meaning seems clear.  But it seems like a powerful thing to think about and be aware of, so I wanted to share it for better or worse.

What Are You Up To, God?

There is a memorial service today for a local father of four boys ranging from age five to twelve.  I didn't know him very well, but had the opportunity to be glancing friends with his wife over the last 18 months.  She passed away three months ago.  I've been wrestling with this tragedy for the last few days, knowing God is sovereign.  Yet in my finite understanding, I can't help but ask, "Why? What?!"

To my knowledge, this couple did not have the personal relationship with God that I cherish.  It was my desire to share His love with this mom who God introduced me to.  We came from very different backgrounds, had vastly different life experiences, and as a result went about doing life in different ways.  I struggled to find common ground.  It wasn't natural, easy or comfortable.  I confess I did not pursue her the way Christ pursues me.  And I don't know what to do with that.

I don't profess to be the lynchpin that failed; I know God wasn't dependent on me.  But I think He's okay with me feeling the sting of regret.  Why do I hesitate to share the most important thing in my life?  The relationship that defines my core values and influences every decision I make?  Why do I hide my light under a bushel?  Why am I afraid that my God will offend?  Or that He cannot redeem any misrepresentations I may make?

I will pray for those boys for the rest of my life.  I think about them every night as I go to sleep and will for a very long time.  I don't know what God is up to in their lives, but they are seared into my heart.  I pray somehow they will know God's love despite their tragic childhoods, that they will be protected from the enemy who wants to use this to drive them away from their heavenly Father.  I pray God will overwhelm them with believing friends and neighbors who will share His healing love.  I pray I will see them one day in heaven and rejoice at how much greater my God is than my faith.

For the Kingdom

I follow several mommy blogs.  Some are friends, some are strangers.  Some are hilarious, some are profound.  Some are daily life, some advocate causes.  They all make me think, take me outside my own kitchen to other lives.  They shift my perspective and enlarge my tunnel vision.

I read non-fiction books.  Be-a-better-mommy books, be-a-better-wife books, know-your-Savior-better books.  Again, they broaden my perspective and take me out to a bigger world, an eternal world.

I hear great testimonies of how God is working in the hearts of those I love and those I didn't know existed.  My heart is stirred to desire bigger, bolder, more eternal goals.

My prayers are following this path.  What do You want me to do for Your eternal kingdom?  I know You don't need me to accomplish Your purposes, yet You take delight in allowing me to "help" You.  How can I help?  What cause would You have me champion?  What need do You want me to meet?  How can my little family be part of the eternal story You are weaving?  Are we doing it now... discipling our children and building relationships with others?  Are you preparing us for something else?  Did we hear You wrong along the way?  Have my ears gone numb to Your voice?  What more, Lord, do You have for me?  How can I be about Your eternal agenda?  Your kingdom come.

Progression of an Idol

Our home group is studying the Peace Maker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict by Ken Sande.  Our latest chapter was on the progression of an idol.  To me idols are pretty serious business.  If you have an idol interfering with your worship, its akin to cheating on God, prostituting yourself to some other lover.

Sande points out that conflicts reveal our idols.  First we have a desire, maybe even a healthy desire.  For example, "I desire peace in my home."  Not a bad thing.  It all starts to go bad when we elevate that desire to an unhealthy level and make it a demand.  When that demand is not met, say two small children decide to hold a pep rally in the living room, we begin to judge.  "My unhappiness is your fault.  You are to blame for my anger and annoyance."  Then we punish.  It doesn't have to be physical; it could be withholding affection, giving the silent treatment, lashing out, or hiding in the bathroom.  Whatever it is, we communicate that they will pay for our displeasure.

And that's how it becomes an idol.  We're no longer trusting God to be our only source of peace, joy, security, meaning, value.  We're saying what He did at Calvary isn't enough.  "In addition, God, I must also have ____________ in order to feel loved, valued and happy.  And if I can't have that, I can't possibly be held accountable to love others."  We become consumed with thoughts of this desire turned demand, we nurture it and it becomes a defining characteristic of our personality. "Yes, I'm the frazzled mom that can't possibly be satisfied with life right now; have you seen what I put up with all day?  I'll find my satisfaction later when my sleep isn't constantly interrupted."

Looking at it this way, it is obvious that idols run rampant in my heart.  And their plurality doesn't make them less significant.   Father God, show me the idols that I run to instead of You.  Ground me in the truth that You are enough and that my worth, my satisfaction are all about You, not others.

Hallelujah! What a Savior!

I'm reading--ever so sporadically--Radical by David Platt.  It's definitely getting some buzz in the blogosphere.  I don't think I'm to that part yet.  But I was overcome by this vivid picture of Christ's love for me:

"What happened at the Cross was not primarily about nails being thrust into Jesus' hands and feet but about the wrath due your sin and my sin being thrust upon his soul.  In that holy moment, all the righteous wrath and justice of God due us came rushing down like a torrent on Christ himself.  Some say, 'God looked down and could not bear to see the suffering that the soldiers were inflicting on Jesus, so he turned away.' But this is not the case.  God turned away because he could not bear to see your sin and my sin on his Son.

One preacher described it as if you and I were standing a short hundred yards away from a dam of water ten thousand miles high and ten thousand miles wide.  All of a sudden that dam was breached, and a torrential flood of water came crashing toward us.  Right before it reached our feet, the ground in front of us opened up and swallowed it all.  At the Cross, Christ drank the full cup of the wrath of God, and when he had downed the last drop, he turned the cup over and cried out, 'It is finished.'

This is the gospel.  The just and loving Creator of the universe has looked upon hopelessly sinful people and sent his Son, God in the flesh, to bear his wrath against sin on the cross and to show his power over sin in the Resurrection so that all who trust in him will be reconciled to God forever."

Thank you, Jesus!  Hallelujah!

Overwhelmed

I've been feeling really overwhelmed lately.  Lots of transition and new beginnings at our house.  I've been putting together a sketchy lesson plan for our first year of homeschool and trying to pull together some activities to keep C busy while I do lessons with A.  That has taken up a lot of my personal bandwidth this summer.  (That's how nerds communicate their capacity to process information.  I try to speak geek with my hubby whenever I can and sometimes it overflows into meat space.  That's where nerds have to interact with real people in real space instead of over the interwebs.)

We're also in the midst of changing our guest room/office into a playroom/guestroom.  We've moved the bedroom suite out and brought in a sleeper sofa, thereby insuring that no one will ever sleep overnight at my house again.  I'm trying to clear the room of it's old purpose and figure out it's new purpose without spending any money.  For now, that means a mountain of papers that need to be shredded or filed.  The encouraging thing is that if you wait two years to file your paperwork, a lot of it will be obsolete by the time you file and you can just throw it away.

Once the paper is clear, I'm wrestling with what I really want to put in the room so that A can enjoy it vs. not wanting C to decorate my walls with said enjoyment.  I enjoy these kinds of dilemmas and the energy that comes with a new configuration, but it's been keeping me up at night and that's not cool.

The reason we're changing the room around is to accommodate a new home group that we'll be leading this year.  I found out last week that we don't start the new group until mid-September, so that has helped me breathe a little bit.  I was thinking we only had two weeks to figure out the new room, what our group is going to study, our schedule for the fall, find a sitter for the group's kids, etc.  Two extra weeks helps a lot.

But I don't handle transition very well.  I sleep better when everything is settled.  I want the decisions to be made, the schedule mapped out, duties delegated, prep work done.  I want to have a great beginning for our new school year and our new home group, and I want to think it through enough that we finish well, too.  Until we're off and running, I'll be fidgeting with ideas and questions, wondering what the optimal solution is to each scenario.

I've been listening to podcasts from our previous church and have been reminded that unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain (Psalm 127:1).  I don't like spinning my wheels, so I pray we've heard rightly, that we'll keep our ears tuned to His voice and that God will be glorified in our home, through our family.  And if God is building it, it seems much less overwhelming.

Beautifully Said

I have a lot of admiration for well-written blog posts that communicate truth and love in a way that is hard to ignore. Here are a few posts from blogs I read that made me say, "Amen!" or "Ouch!" when they arrived in my inbox.

Love is Not Colorblind

Better Me Than You

Herein is Love

How to Live a Better Story

10 Ways to Instantly Become More Attractive

How to be Disorganized & Unproductive at Your Job #1

How to be Disorganized & Unproductive at Your Job #2

Some of these are brand new, others are really old. I've been holding on to some of the links so I could share them here, and this is my way of de-cluttering my inbox. I think that takes the prize for laziest spring cleaning ever!

Praise & Thanksgiving

We have great cause to celebrate at our house this week. God has answered our prayers about a significant milestone for J's work. I waited to blog about it because I didn't want to somehow jeopardize the negotiations. That either makes me really conceited, to think that my little blog reaches so far, or really paranoid, to think that the internet is that small. I tend toward the latter.

The back story is that J and his business partner have an incredible idea for a new iPhone app that has garnered the interest of an angel investor. They've spent many, many hours developing the business plan with help from a local small business incubator who was also smitten with the idea. The investor handed over a "deposit" during their first meeting. But then we hit a snag with some legal issues in a previous customer's contract. Long story short, we needed a signature in order to proceed and it was possible that the signature would be very expensive and time-consuming to secure.

After three weeks of praying for a quick, favorable answer, J got the needed signature yesterday afternoon--the same day he made the request. It did have a cost, but only a drop in the potential bucket. As a bonus, this previous customer that J was negotiating with asked to be the first customer when the new app is rolled out. Above and beyond what we could ask or imagine.

We've been praying for a long time that God would provide income in such a way that J would be able to concentrate on school full-time. We can't say for sure that this new idea will do that, but it is very promising. Having the investor's check in hand and the legal roadblocks out of the way gives us hope that God has flung this door wide open for us to run through. J had already pulled out of school for this semester and knew he would probably take off next fall as well. We'll pray now that this is enough time to get the new product up and rolling, generating revenue without much continual intervention.

So praise God with us!! This is a huge answer to prayer! We look forward to seeing how God will work it all together to make us more like Him and bring glory to Himself. Stay tuned.

Rough Night

Deep breath...last night was a rough one. It took A almost two hours to fall asleep without sucking her thumb. Criminey! She got out of bed at least five times with a million different excuses, but we knew it was because she just couldn't settle down without her thumb. She had a tough time at nap time yesterday and today, too. I let her lay down in my bed next to me and I put my arm over to keep her still. Today I had to tell her that we wouldn't watch any more movies if she couldn't be still and quiet. That did the trick, even though we've already gone through all the princess movies. Which is another reason that last night was rough. Every time I tried to fall asleep, I had a nagging Disney medley running through my head starting with "this provencal life" and "no one fights like Gaston, takes cheap shots like Gaston," then of course, Tale as Old as Time. Throw in a little "honor to us all" from Mulan and "you ain't never had a friend, never had a friend, no you ain't never had a friend like me!" Some friends you'd like to throw out the window.

At any rate, as I was going to bed around ten, I heard C cough a little and wondered if she was getting congested. No, she was throwing up in her bed. We didn't realize that until J went to check on her before he came to bed at midnight. Gross. I could write so much more, but I think gross pretty much sums it up. She continued to get sick every time I tried to lay her down flat, so after three bed changes, I finally wised up and took her to the recliner for what seemed like an eternity, but was really only an hour. I laid her back down on her back and she was fine until morning. No repeat episodes today; that's God's grace to a tired mommy.

So while I was laying in bed singing Disney songs and praying C wouldn't throw up any more, I also asked God to please intervene in our day so that we could somehow be kind to each other after a night like that. I'm so grateful that I'm not alone in the endeavor to be nice when I'm sleep deprived. The same supernatural power that raised Christ from the dead can help me demonstrate self-control and not yell at my preschooler or give me the presence of mind to be creative in my discipline if it is needed. Yes, it was a rough night. But we've had a pretty good day and I give God all the credit for that because that is not something I could ever do on my own.

Delayed obedience is disobedience

I don't know how many times a day I have to tell A, "Obey right away, all the way, with a happy heart." (Quote from Ginger Plowman's Don't Make Me Count to Three) Boy, I am the biggest hypocrite. See there's been this little heart issue that God made me aware of, oh, I don't know, maybe a few weeks ago, give or take a YEAR! Seriously, I have been delaying my own obedience for over a year now. Why does God put up with kind of disrespect?!

Scary thing is that I don't know for sure, but He might not have been tolerating it. Years ago, I did something very similar. That time it was very intentional, though. I didn't want to deal with the hurt in my heart and I wasn't going to. Remind you of anyone we know? (Hint: she wouldn't eat her pears.) We had been back in the states for about six months and J was doing everything he could to get hired on at the company he was consulting for. But the door was closed and beyond the door was a brick wall. Every time it seemed to crack open, it got slammed closed again. We were very frustrated. One Sunday, I told J to go on to church without me, that God and I had business to tend to at home. I was weary of carrying the bitterness and God loved me too much to let me. We had a good talk and forgiveness was so sweet. J got his job offer the next day.

Sure, maybe it was a coincidence. But I beg to differ. I believe my disobedience had affected my family's growth. We weren't going anywhere until I obeyed. I had completely forgotten about this until God brought it to my mind recently. I shuddered. I knew I was living in disobedience to a faithful God and what if my disobedience was stunting my family's growth again? I don't know. But I know I obeyed. That little thing that I thought wasn't bothering anybody else has been dealt with, done, forgiven, over, close the book on that one. Please, Lord Jesus, don't let it have been hurting anyone else.