Fear

Ever since the shooting in Connecticut, I've had a resurgence of fear interrupting my thoughts.  Anybody else?  Something about the absolute randomness of violent crime wreaks havoc on my mommy brain.  And it seems like there's been an uptick in stories about babies dying, mamas with cancer, tragic teen accidents....?!  More of the kind of stuff you have no control over and can happen to anyone.  I'm not wishing folks would keep their hurts quiet.  I think maybe I'm just more sensitive to it right now.  I don't know.

I thought I had this whole fear thing whipped.  I even told my own dad as much just a couple of months ago.  It's been a big spiritual battle for me for as long as I can remember.  Taking those thoughts captive.  You know, the ones that start with something insignificant and take off like a runaway train for the worst case scenario that has you in tears within seconds.  "God, take those captive and make them obedient to your truth.  You are not a God of fear, but of love, peace and a sound mind.  You love me and I can trust you to be good all the time. "  Years of repeating that prayer every time the fear came and saying it until the fear passed.   I had finally gotten to the point where I didn't have to check my closets and under the beds every time my husband traveled.  Don't laugh...you know you do it too.

What happened in Connecticut was evil, and I think it was a tool of our enemy.  Not only will that town never be the same, but fear snuck into the hearts of millions, and fear confuses us about God and His love for us.

And it's not just tragedy or random violence that I think I fear.  If we got down to the nitty gritty, there's other big stuff I fear.  What if I screw up my kids?  What if I fail to say that thing that would prepare them and they get hurt? What if I'm the one who scars their heart with my words? What if I pass all my fears on to them?  What if I find my identity in my kids and forget who I am?  Am I doing all that God wants me to be doing?  Could I do more/differently to further His kingdom?  Am I letting Him down?

Then Ann Voskamp said it better, "How long will I have Mama and are we supposed to live our lives here or up and move there and how do you best pour out your one wild life and couldn’t we make room for just one more child and what if I’ve missed the boat and what if we bury children, mess them up, get sick on them and the dreams all blow away like papery ash and what if my heart gets shattered and what if that is what makes me whole and how do you make your singular life work best?"

It's always encouraging to know you're not the only one swimming in whatever mess you've made for yourself.  And then she said this, "What if not fearing was the giant secret of really living?"

Whoa.  What if not fearing was the giant secret of really living?  What if the thing that keeps me from the abundant life God promises is fear?  What if this fear battle is way bigger than what's in my closet?  Fear of losing control, fear of not measuring up, fear of failing, fear of disappointing, fear of living like God's promises are true.  What does that even look like...not fearing?!  

I don't have anything else to write on this topic--yet.  I'm trying to think of something profound to say, but I just keep re-reading the possibility of not fearing and it really leaves me quite flabbergasted.  I've got to chew on some truth and let it nourish my soul.  Let it bind up all those fears and set me free.  Please share if you have some go-to truth that shatters your fears and helps you really live.  

P.S. - So much for short posts, huh?